Reality Check

As what a dear friend of mine says, "We have our own beauty that shines through the right people at the right place and at the right time. We can never please everyone around us and not everyone will love us and will see pleasant things in us. ".

Before I hate him when he says that fucking line because it's so true and I can't admit it to myself.

It's been months when I last posted a chapter of my life here, the life of Antonio; the flirt and ambitious homosexual who cannot admit that he's now engaged in BPO industry and that he's one of the Losers!

Though I hate to work in this business, since I have no choice, I learned to enjoy working and talking to many victims of underemployment. They are crazy and believe it or not my dear, they are talented and gifted. Imagine that.

Just like Miguel, remember him? My one and only. My life and the reason of my boner. Hahahahaha. Love it! He's my teammate and I enjoy every single moment with him. Moments like I'm asking for help (I usually pretend that I don't know things so that I can ask for assistance), team buildings and our lunches together. Yes, we always have our lunch together(merely because we have same lunch break sched and I always insist to join him).

As time goes by I noticed that my Miguel has something with our TL, Pio and his real name is Procorpio. Nice name right? Har har. You know that insticnt? that you're special someone has something special with someone? The way Miguel look at Pio's eyes, the way they talk to each other and everything between them. I'm not dumb enough not to notice. And I hate Pio because of that! Really! I curse him! (assuming???) Hahahaha

One time, me and Miguel are having our lunch in the pantry when suddenly Pio arrived and join us. I'm so surprised to see Pio having his lunch same as ours because he seldom eat and consume his lunch break because of his work load. But now he's here, in our table and talking to me and to my Miguel. How could he.....!!! Grrrr..

I have no choice but to talk to Pio and be nice to him. I have to be good so that Miguel will be impressed and will really appreciate me. ( As if jowa talaga!!)

I was concentrating on my food because I hate seeing Pio talking to Miguel because I know there's something between them. Then again my imagination suddenly worked. (My imagination seldom work, you know that!).

Pio was kissing Miguel, slowly, with passion adn Miguel is kissing back and its so tender. Then Pio kissed Miguel down on his neck, then on his chest. Playing Miguel's nipples. I can see in Miguel's face that he's enjoying it. He loves it then Pio lick his body down to his navel then down there. Playing and you know...Miguel is really enjoying it..I hate it. I'm envious. Really envious.

I felt Miguels hand hitting my forehead, "Hoy bakla! bakit k nakatulala diyan?". I'm back to reality. It was just my imagination.

Though it was just my imagination and my paranoia that something is between the ugly duckling Pio and my Miguel, I can't help but wonder. Why can't it be me? Why can't it be the two of us?

Maybe my friend is really correct, we have our own beauty that shines through the right people at the right place and at the right time. We can never please everyone around us and not everyone will love us and will see pleasant things in us.

The Word Spelled S.E.X.

S.E.X. The act of making love. The act of expressing lovers' feelings and affection to one another. The act of enjoying each other's flesh and the act of sustaining human needs.

When I was still a kid, I think of sex as a taboo but now...I think of sex as a gift. Purpose in life. Hahaha.

I've been working in a call center for weeks. (God it's an achievement huh?). So far I'm enjoying it since I have no choice. And I'm enjoying it because of Miguel.

Miguel. The apple of my eye. The reason of my boner. My fantasy and my knight and shining armor. My workmate. Hahahahaha

In the past few weeks, Miguel is my mentor. He taught me the techniques and the eklavus in this job. Actually I asked my TL to assign Miguel as my POC (I secretly asked my TL and bribed her). He's so nice to me and I can't help it...I'm liking the guy to the nth power. God! He's so hot. Really. Really really hot to the extent that I sweat in this fully air conditioned room since I sit beside him.

One day before the end of the shift, I have this fucking customer. He's so irate and I don't know how to deal with him anymore. I've been talking to him for almost an hour but I can't resolve his issue and concerns. So I asked assistance from Miguel.

"ah..ah...ah...Miguel...I ne-need your he-help...". I'm stuttering. I can't talk properly. "Sure." He said.I was so relieved. He stood up and went to my station and God! He stood up right in front of me and his dick was inch away from my mouth and wooohh...I don't know what to do...I can't concentrate. I'm not comprehending. Everything he said just brushed away in my head.

On that every moment. I'm imagining him in my room. Just in white brief. Standing in front of me. Me sitting on the bed and he's smiling at me and said, "Do it baby....". And I lowered down his brief and I see his....you know...Hard and facing and looking at me. Very mad to the extent that it might strike and kill me....God...

Then he tapped my shoulders. "Antonio? Are you okay?". Then I'm back to reality. I was ashamed on that moment and I was really blushing. I finished the call and went home. I never dare to say goodbye to Miguel on that day though it's part of my routine to say farewell and frlit with him before going home.

When I was already heading home, Miguel's face popped in my mind. He's smiling very sweetly as if he's asking me to kiss him. Then....I can't imagine of Miguel right now. I'm on my way of home.

When I got home, I bathed and tried to sleep. Then I was awaken by Miguel's caress. I was so overwhelmed that I saw him beside me. I asked him, "Why are you here?". "Why ayaw mo?", he answered back. Then he kissed me and said, "I miss you.". I was happy that moment.

We started kissing and make love...I kissed his lips, neck, nipples and down there. It was so intense. We're so sweaty and enjoying the moment. We were about to reach heaven when suddenly someone was calling my name, "Antonio! Antonio!". "Wake up!". "You keep on moaning. You're dreaming." It was my cousin.

Then I realized, it was just a dream. A dream that was very real. me having sex or let's say making love with Miguel. But how can call it making love if love itself doesn't exist between me and Miguel?

Sex is just sex I said to my self. Sex just need two bodies to become one, it doesn't really need love. Maybe its really true, love does not exist, lust exist.

Love and Lust

To love is our purpose in life they say. It makes our world complete. It makes us blush, smile and give us strength in our endeavors. But not all believe in love. Most are bitter and are negative towards the thing called LOVE.

Just like me, I don't believe in love. For me it's just in the mind. We just made it. We are just fooling ourselves when we say, "this is it...this is love...”. Damn shit! Fuck it up! People who believe in love are losers. Hahahahaha (Bitter lng ang lola mo....).

After the training, of course we were deployed on the operation floor. I hate it. As in I hate it so very much since I hate to work as a call center agent. It's not my thing and I do not fit in this industry. This industry is for those "Nowhere to go". But as what I've said, I don't have any choice but to accept the fact that I'm here and this is the only generous world who accepted me with arms wide open, to be part of them and to succeed with them. (Haayyzz...So hard for me to say that huh?).

So we're on the floor already. I've spotted a lot of cute and good looking guys and take note of this; all of them are HOT. Hot as in hot like hot shots. Hahahaha. I so love it. I love my job...hahahaha..(I love my job just because of this hot guys huh?)

So anyway and anyhow....(whhhaaat antonio?)...I was assigned with a team named, The Dreamers. Yeah. As in the dreamers. The name fits to them. They are really dreamers because most of them are dreaming to be pretty and fabulous though they know the fact that its impossible. Especially the she-males, Duh? As if they look like Assunta. They stare at me as if I was one of the antagonist characters of "The Lord of the rings". Like the creature that always follow Frodo? What's his name again? Smeagol? Am I right? As if it's their first time to see a real creature like me, slim built, fair complexion, dark brown hair, nice nose, brown eyes and pouting lips. So in short gorgeous and stunning and undeniably beautiful faggot. Hahahahaha.

Anyway, damn those she-males. The sad part is I'm with Angelo. Remember Angelo. God! I don't know if how I will deal with him. He doesn’t talk to me. Even smile. He'll just stare at me and that's it. I can't read his mind. I don't know what to do. He's staying away from me. And that makes me sad...Huhuhuhuhu...I don't deserve this...

But you know. I have to move on and just forget about him. It's his lost not mine. I'm just like a precious gem that should be treasured.Hahahaha...(Feeling noh?).

The Dreamers team has members that are nice and yes, yes! Hot members. So I have Hot teammates to flirt with. And I have this one special teammate that makes my heart beat faster. Make me blush and make me smile. I can't talk properly when I'm talking with him. He makes me stutter. I hate this.

His name is Miguel. He's mestizo, tall, slim built and I think with grater abs...Imagine that? Woooo...!!!God... He makes me sweat, especially when he flashes on my mind and smile at me and you know...I'm having a hard on. Hahahaha..Stop this boner. It hurts. I'm wearing skinny jeans...Hahahaha

On my first week with the team, I always look at him. Watch him take calls and imagine him with me. Sitting beside me and holding my hands and smile at me and say, "you're gorgeous"; and then put my hands on top of his pants just perfect enough for me to feel his dick having a hard on and then suddenly he'll say, put it inside and then I'll obey and put it and feel his warm and hard you know..Hihihihi...I love it. And the I'll rub it and then he'll whisper, "Follow me in the C.R."....Oh my God! Hahahahaha...

You know what, I'm spending most of the time imagining him and sometimes I even forget that I have customers on the line. Hahahaahha. What's happening to me. I need this job! Our team leader will always shout, "Antonio customer on the line!!! What are you doing???!!!". Shame on me. But I don't care. I'm having good times staring at Miguel. Oh my dear Miguel.

One night Miguel approached me and said, "Hey Antonio. I notice you keep on staring at me. Any problems?". "Ah, ah, ah, noooo..No papapapa- problem....". " I just want to learn...I'm learning when I wawawa-watch you take calls...You're great", I said. "Good. That's great. Keep it up.", He answered back and leave. Gosh! I was really blushing and was kinda out of my mind. I don't know what to so and what to think.

After that incident, I was never myself. I felt that I was floating and was like in heaven. Gosh..What is this?


When I was already home and lying on my bed, I realized that something is wrong with me. I asked my self, "Am I in love?". No no. Can't be.

Love doesn't exist. Lust exists.

A Night to Remember

To work is one of the duties of mankind according to the Bible. We work for us to live and to survive in this world. We work to fulfill our dreams and to accomplish things.

When I started on my very first job here in the city, I've been in a lot of coping and faced a lot of challenges. Imagine me, working as a call center agent? What a shame...but I've got no choice. So I just embraced the thought and make and use the most of it.

On my first day, so I'm on training and other "kaartehan" in call centers; the first thing that I searched for are the cute and good looking guys. But of course! They are my food, food of my soul and of my existence. They are the one that makes my heart beat and gives me a boner. Hahahaha...I love it.

I noticed this guy, tall and skinny and just the average type. Not that cute and not that good looking and just fair enough. He looked at me when I arrived. I smiled at him and he smiled back. So I sat in a chair opposite to him and started observing the people that will be my classmates in this training. I was so disappointed because I've only spotted one guy whom I can flirt with. All of the other guys are gross.

He's name is Angelo, 21 and a fresh graduate. He applied for this job since he has no choice just like me. On our break we chat and talked about ourselves. He's sweet and gentleman in fairness and I feel respected when I'm with him.

We became buddies while we're still in the training and became close.

On our graduation day, the whole class went out, had dinner and ordered buckets of beer and we all drunk. All were already tipsy, so our Trainer bid his farewell and so the others. Angelo asked to fetch me home. I don’t know what to do on that moment so I just said yes.

While we are on the cab, my mind was so busy thinking what will be my "palusot" to my nerd cousin (I'm still sharing the apartment with her). We arrived on my place and he asked me if he can stay for a while until he's feeling Okay because he's tipsy and can't go home on that state. I said yes with a bit of excitement of course.

My cousin was not around. Thank God. So I let him lie on my bed and went to the bathroom to shower and clean myself. When I entered my room after bathing, I was so shocked looking at Angelo just in brief. I asked him with matching stuttering why on earth he's just wearing that piece of cloth. He said it’s too hot and he can't sleep. I tried to offer him short but he said no.

My heart is beating so fast. I'm stuttering and can't look straight at him. I changed and decided to go to sleep since I can't escape anymore. Lots of things are flashing in my mind and I hate it...hahaha. I don't want to do it with him since he's my workmate...Stupid brat. Hahaha

I turned off the lights and tried to sleep until he utter the words, "Antonio are you a virgin?". I don't know what to do and I said, "Huh? I don't know...". "Why you don't know?", he said. "I just don't know.", I answered.

After minutes of silence, he grabbed my hand and put it on the top of his "you know'. He was having a hard on and I love it...hahaha. But I don't know what to do. He said, "Is this your first time to hold someone's dick?". I was blushing, really blushing though he can’t see it and answered back, "No.". "Then what are you waiting for? Do what you are supposed to do!", Angelo commanded.

Without a second I found myself doing the thing that I'm supposed to do and I'm enjoying it. Hahahaha...

After the sex Angelo dressed and said thanks and asked me if I enjoyed it. I said yes without thinking twice. Then he left.

I'm already alone and I asked myself, "Why do gays let men use them?".

I can't find the answer that moment. Maybe not now. I'll find it.

The Common Big Thing

Shelter is one of the necessities of humans. We may not exist in this world without it. It is our habitat and refuge.

Me? When I arrived here in Manila I used to share my apartment with a cousin. A nerd and weird girl, but nice to get along with. She'll talk to you about absurd things that you'll never give a damn. She's so jologs. You'll never wish to walk with her in the street because for sure people will stare to both of you with amazement matching the line, "What's wrong with her?". She loves to wear out of this world outfits. Just imagine it.

So when I already have a job and was quite stable, I decided to live in my own and rented a studio type unit somewhere in the middle of the business district of Makati. The place is quite expensive for it size, but still I wanted it since its very accessible and hassle free when going to work.

The unit is so plain. Painted in white with a small comfort room. A bed and a couch and a dining table. It also have the usual furnitures and appliances needed for daily living. But if you'll drop by and take a look, for sure you'll notice the dresser that is almost falling because it is overloaded with my clothes and other stuff for me to look fabulous.

I love to dress up. That is part of my soul. I can't live in this world without dressing up and I can't go out of the dungeon if I'm not properly dressed. Ok call me a 'trying hard faggot'...I don't care.

In this pad, I've already brought cute and good looking guys, mostly friendly visits...hahaha...Most of them love the place 'coz they love me and I make them love it. You know the tricks...hahaha...I scrawled, used to lie in every corner of it...shout and moan, talk, mouth words and everything in this place. Just name it...hahahaha...This unit is my silent witness...hahaha

But anyway, let's move forward...We are talking about shelter here...ummnnn....shelter? What about shelter?Ok Ok...

Why do people make shelter as a big god damn thing? They make it a point that they have shelter that they can be proud of?

I've tried talking to some people I know about the thing called shelter and I got amazed by their answers.

I tried talking to Liza. Workmate and a fashionista. For her a shelter should be like hers. Colorful and full of accents. If you get there you may think that you are in dress shop. Can you imagine it?

Arnold has a different story to tell. His shelter is something very cozy. Full of things that he bought just to fulfill his wants. It's painted in blue and very manly according to him. You'll be amazed by the interiors but you'll be surprised to see beddings in pink.

A close friend invited me to his place. It's quite far from the city but he loves living in there. The environment is so green and air is so fresh and it's too hard to get there and you'll spend half of your day in commute. But still he's enjoying it.

I talked to different people with different personalities and I realized, shelter mirrors the real you. It completes you and it showcases the world you always wanted.

When I first arrived here in the city and live with my cousin, I never felt the place. I never found myself. But now that I'm living in my own, alone and free, I can say I am me...Antonio.

Manila and I

Manila. A large cosmopolitan composed of different cities that intrigues every innocent mind and attracts people to live and to fall in love.

Me? I came here in Manila for obvious reasons. I'm here to work and earn for my living. But I realized, I'm not just here for money...I'm here to find myself and be the one that I wanted to be.

Just call me Antonio. I used to be a conservative and modest female man before I decided to live in this city...hahaha...Ok! Gay. But upon living in this troubled place, I became flirt and lusty and ambitious self- proclaimed writer.

I don't work as a writer. It's just in my mind. Hahahaha...Forgive me...Just dreaming...I am actually part of the industry that supports the dying economy of our country, BPO. Yeah I'm a call center agent. So what?? I know many look at us to be the underemployed people. But damn you, we earn a lot more than what you earn. Wanna have coffee and smoke? I bet you can't afford it....Hahahaha....

But anyway, let me tell you my story....

When I jump off the plane and saw the lavishing world Manila has to offer, I easily got obsessed and dreamt that one day I'll be known and be the best writer every faggot has ever seen. Hahahaha...But you know what, I've been in this city for more than two years but still even a step to fulfill this dream has never been taken by me.

I tried writing and sending them to publishers but until now, haven't got any reply, even a single one. I'm flat broke so I decided to find a job and I landed as a call center agent. First week in this job was full of tiresome and shocking first times. Would you believe that I got stuck in elevator and was called dumb just because I don't know how to operate a vending machine? God...That was one of the most shameful moment of my life..But what can I do, I've never known vending machine in our place down south and I don't even know that a machine like that exists…Gee....What a shame right? A modest and sophisticated person like me doesn’t deserve things like that...but those already happened and I can't turn back time, so let's just accept it. Grrrr...

Moving forward....A close friend of mine who's also from the south asked me to meet him in Starbucks somewhere in Ortigas. I was very excited because it will be my first time to be in that renowned coffee shop and taste its famous coffee...Don't hate me for being so jologs…We all have our firsts time. Hahaha...

So I arrived in the shop riding a taxi and so fabulous. When I was already in the counter, I was shocked by the prices...I said to myself, "Gee....it's too much for a cup of coffee. Way back in my root land I can have coffee for just 25 pesos.". But since I was already there I ordered cappuccino with closed eyes while paying for it.

We did chat and catch up and talked about a lot of things about the city and I noticed the people around me. Men and women together with their clients. People with their gadgets and laptops. Then I realized and asked myself, do I belong here?

I disregarded my thought and focused my attention on my coffee, the most expensive coffee I bought in my entire life. I enjoyed and drunk it till the last drop since it almost cost one meal of my day. I bid farewell to my old friend and headed home.

When I was already walking down the street and stop to wait for a cab, I asked myself, why do we tend to buy things that we know are not suitable for our status and just for the reason to belong? Do we really belong?

For now maybe I don't belong, but soon…soon I will be...

For some it’s just a coffee…but for me that coffee means a lot...It means belonging in the city where I am at.